Sorry, I've been out of touch for a minute, but I hope to start posting once a week.

Now, back to my words of wisdom.  We have...

How to handle a dumb brunette.

For those of you who think only blonds can be dumb, let me set you straight.  Although I’ve never done any scientific study, rest assured someone has, I pretty certain that hair color has nothing to do with one’s intelligence of lack thereof.  Take for example my sister.

Her name is Avi and she is the epitome of a person who is dumb.  I mean, we are talking mouth hanging open, blank thousand yard stare, can answer a one plus one question dumb. 

For example…

How can a ten-year-old who has no money and no means of getting money download over $500 dollars of music and books onto an eReader?  The answer… fanfare please… get someone else’s credit card and use it.  Now we know many people have done this in the past and some have been more ingenious than others at this task, but to you the card and have the purchased goods going to your own device?   Who was that comedian with the sign and where is he when you need him?  You don’t do things like that?  Not unless you really enjoy being on some type of punishment.  Not the mention the loss of your eReader after you took the time to get everything that you wanted downloaded.

Another lesson – if you’re going to sign your guardian’s name to your homework, make sure that you can actually spell her name. Wow, I had a field day with that one.   The best way to accomplish this feat is to get copies of the actual signature to use as a guide. Oh, and make sure your teachers haven’t actually met or at the least spoken with the person you are trying to pass yourself off as.  If, for example, the teachers know your adult is not going to sign homework that has not been completed or is not up to what the adult will normally okay, I am begging you- do not put your or rather her signature on the paper because you can expect the dreaded phone call.

My sister is very special and I love her very much.  Now as soon as she’s out of solitary, I may even be able to see her again.

Husbands

Hi, it’s me again.  My name is appuh and this is my blog.  As I told you before, "I know everything!" and the sooner you le believe me the better it will go for you.  Now that that’s out of the way.  My topic for this week involves a puzzle that has been bothering my auntie and I'm sure many of you women out there for many years.   I heard her stressing over this and I finally had to step in and set her straight. 
 

The question involves the reason husbands won't do anything the wife asks them to do.  I'm sure many of you wives have the same question.  It's quite simple.  Come closer and I'll tell you. 
 

The reason they don't do anything you ask is because they love you. 
 

Now, before you close out this link think about it.  They don't do what you request, again and again and usually quite forcefully, is because they love you. 
 

Let me explain more.  Many wives are now a part of the work force, in other words- working moms.  You put in a hard day and all you want is a little cooperation and help when you finally get home.  Now, and just for the sake of demonstrational purposes, let's pick an occupation to make my explanation more real. Let's say for instance, and just picking this out of thin air.... you are a school teacher and your husband is a lower level office worker.  
 

We know teacher's day doesn't end when the bell rings. They still need to write lesson plan, grade papers and now they are going to be required to write SLO (Student Learning Objectives) ai yi yi...  And if that isn't enough many of them serve as coaches.  Any of these will to make a person gray.  In fact, my auntie swears that she didn't have gray hair until she started teaching.  Anyway...  you have all this work to do and unless you want to be on your job from 4 AM to 9PM, you have to bring the work home with you. 
 

So, you arrive home, usually after picking up the kids that hubby forget to get, and after going to the grocery store, because you are the only one who has the knowledge on how to get chicken or hamburger or whatever, and you see hubby on the computer -which is funny because all he does is complain about how much time he has to spend on the computer at work.  But, I guess it's different at home.  Anyway....  you enter the house and you see the empty containers, from his lunch, are on the floor, or the rug that he promised to vacuum hasn't been, or well you can fill in the blank, that you asked hubby to help you with hasn't been done.  You aren't very happy and the conversation may go kind like this.....
 

You:  Hey, hum.
 

Hun:  Hey, sweetie.  How was your day?
 

You:  Tiring.  Yours?
 

Hun:  It was alright.  Had a lot of work to do at the office, but I'm happy it's over with.
 

You:  That's funny.  Because I still have quite a bit off work to do.  The kids had an assessment and I need to get that graded and get the grades posted…
 

Hun: (silence)
 

You:  Did you wash the dishes? (You know he didn't because they are still sitting there in the sink.)
 

Hun:  I would have but my back was bothering me. 
 

(He obviously missed the three ton book bag stuffed to overflowing of work that is weighing you down and has been the cause of major back problems for the last few years or for all the years of your work life.)
 

You:  I understand, but I really need you to help me.
 

Hun (indignantly):  I don't need you to act like my mom.  I'm the man around here....
 

And on and on it goes.  The upshot, you do the dishes, cook the meal, clean up the kitchen, get the kids ready bathed and ready for bed and then get your assessments scored and posted.  Finally, you collapse in the bed just in time for the alarm to go off and do it all again.  You may think this is unfair, that's because you selfishly refuse to see if from hubby's point of view.  Well I have and I have come to the understanding that he does it because he wants to you to live longer.

He really does.  He is fully and truly convinced that if he helps you, you will drop dead on the spot.  Yes, the shock from seeing that he has actually completed a task that you have bugged, I mean asked him to do will cause a short-circuit which will in turn either cause a stroke or a heart attack.  That occurrence is something that neither of you wants to happen.

Your husband needs you to remain hale and hearty.  I mean, where else is he going to find a housekeeper, cook, maid and laundress since his mom kicked him out of the house. 

Ah love. So I hope that you can fully appreciate the sacrifices your husband is making for you and that you need to stop thinking with your narrow-minded worldview and consider your husband.  Especially now that you know his lack of contribution around the house keeps you in shape.  This way you will have a long life. Who knows? You’ll probably outlive him, then you can take a nice long vacation on his life insurance pay out.

Un
 

That's all for now.  Ta...

My Name Is Appuh

My name is Appuh and the only thing you need to know about me is...

I know everything.

Now, I didn’t always know everything.  When I was two years old, I knew some things.  When my baby sister, Taeta, was born later that year, I acquired more knowledge and then at the ripe old age of six , I discovered I knew most of it,  And now, at the age of seven,  I have ascended to the place above the knowledge that other mere mortals have attained.  I have climbed the heights of knowing  every singel thing there is to know about every single situation.

If you don’t believe me, just ask me.  I’ll be happy to set you straight.

Okay.  I see I’ll have to give you a little background about myself before you can but your unwavering faith in me.

# # #

Okay.  You all know that my name is Appuh.  Of  course that’s not the name I was born with;  it’s the name that I’ve chosen for myself when I attained enlightenment - both self and otherwise.   Maybe one day I’ll grace you all with my birth name, but today isn’t that day.

I live in a big house with my sister, Taeta, I already mentioned her.  I also live another sister, Avi.  We’ll talk about her later when we talk about the “Empty-headed syndrome.

The top dogs in the family seem to be mamae and popi, the two older people living in the house.  But the person who keeps this family running smoothly is good old Auntie Sugah, again, we will talk about her more later.

Next time I’m going to clue you in on dumb blondes who are not blond but still just as dumb.

Bye for now.